How To Fail At Life (And Still Be Okay)

There was a time, many years ago, when I had almost BOUNDLESS ENERGY. I had a glut of FREE TIME. I had DISPOSBLE INCOME.

I was WELL-RESTED.

It seems like that happened to another person in an ancient time.  Like, I might as well have been playing a character in Game of Thrones for the level of connection I feel towards my previous life in the present moment.

{Pro-Tip: It never pays to be a Stark.}

Some days, it feels like it’s all I can do to get the basic living stuff finished.

Laundry.

Dishes.

Bathing.

Eating.

Meal prep.

Bills.

The other things, like being an engaged and connected parent, or preparing for anything further than a day in advance feels HARD. And not just hard, but impossible. And may Baby Jesus help us if we get sick, or the car breaks down, or we have a family medical emergency. Because the water we were artfully treading rushes up around our heads and it is damn near impossible to pull ourselves back up.

Where does all the magic energy come from for other people to gracefully navigate through life? Who have tidy cars and put their gym membership to good use and never have old, crusted spaghetti sauce on their shirts from dinner two nights ago? They even seem rested and fresh. How do they do it?!

Now, I’ve seen true hardship. I know this isn’t it. I’ve traveled to several continents, dozens of countries, and worked in some of the most marginalized and poverty-stricken areas of the world. I KNOW my life is easy. I can list all of the ways it glides so smoothly and its vibrant places of prosperity, because hello, we aren’t carrying contaminated drinking water four miles uphill to our homes…on our heads.

If these remarkable people can do all of these amazing feats every single day, why is it so effing hard to stay afloat?

Because more often than not, I feel like a failure.

• I am failing those magical, successful people who don’t just stay afloat, they sail on a luxury cruise liner.
• I am failing those women carrying their drinking water on their heads who work themselves to the bone, because their lives really are hardship and I’m a first world whiner.
• I am failing my son because, as much as I want to, I cannot give him 100% of my uninterrupted attention and connection.
• I am failing my partner because I’m a completely different woman than the one he married 8 years ago.
• And finally, I am failing the House of Stark because everything that happens to them just seems too terrible and I can’t keep hoping they’ll win The Throne when they just keep losing. 

So.  There it is.  I have FAILED THE WORLD. And probably Baby Jesus, too.

And guess what?

It’s okay.

I don’t have to get it right.  In fact, it’s absurd to even think that I will get it right. So, here’s how I get through.

When I start to compare my fortune to someone else’s (talent, money, abundance of sleep, good looks, stamina, clean clothes, etc.), I tell myself it’s OKAY.  My life is amazeballs and nothing is easy all the time, even though some people are pros at making it look that way. Everyone has impossible places.

When I feel overwhelmed by my hardships, I tell myself it’s OKAY. Then I literally count my blessings, starting with the clean water that comes out of the tap by fairy magic, then move on to the solid roof over our heads and the abundant feast on our table. I say a prayer for those who struggle profoundly, and do what I can to support them in practical ways. Like buying fairly traded goods when I can, raising awareness, and volunteering with organizations I believe make a difference.

When I feel like a terrible mom because I didn’t read my kid a single book all day, or make him laugh hysterically, I tell myself it’s OKAY and commit to reading him a book the next day and chasing him around the house until we both laugh to the point of tears. Because it is impossible to be “on” all day long.  But it is possible to intentionally create concentrated moments of connection. It’s isn’t all or nothing here.

When I feel like I’m failing my partner because sometimes I barely resemble the woman he married, I tell myself it’s OKAY and remember that he is a completely different person now, too.  I love him deep. And he loves me deep, too. That’s what matters. And maybe we need to chase each other around the house (naked) and laugh until we cry, too.

And when I despair the Starks and boo the Lannisters and wonder if Winter will ever come, I tell myself to GET OVER IT because good grief, this is just a story. I can read the books if I want to know so badly.

So, to recap:

It’s all going to be okay.  You don’t have to BE okay, though.  And if life spins out of control and you can’t stop the crazy and you can’t seem to wrap your arms around it and NOTHING feels okay, remember these five things:

1. Wine.
2. Coffee.
3. Chocolate.
4. You are not alone.
5. The impossible seasons don’t last forever. Just ask the Starks.

Love and Dirty Laundry,
Carrie